i need permission i feel. from dad. coach p. a friend.
idk
immediate reaction and disaster flows from my soul through my eyes
i feel them start down in my stomach and on their way up my body to come out my eyes, they freeze my veins and my skin shrivels.
goosebumps. hairs all of the sudden are alive. and i can feel my pulse throughout my entire being.
it's speeding at the excitement. the panting and long drags of oxygen with a heavy exhale.
my conscious grows.
who can see me.
doesn't matter, i need this.
regardless of their presence i need to stop.
cried enough.
when is enough?
after the initial burst. the loss of control. the absence of conscience.
kids cry and throw temper tantrums for hours sometimes.
they cry until they're physically drained through emotional disposal.
that is unnecessary. but rather that, than holding back tears at an obvious sign of distraught.
i find that it's rarely ever the same reason for crying that you discover after you're done crying that you thought was the reason while you were crying.
if you ever think about why you're crying while your crying it's a momentary opportunity for tears to slow and you gather thoughts.
wrestling. elbow POP! moments later when left alone, i'm that kid again failing to exhale and instead just hissing, mouth open, eyes closed, not breathing. just crying.
initially because of the pain.
but once it's numb and my crying has slowed i thought about the set back it was going to cause, the time i'd have to make up, the rhythm i'd have to try to get back into.
i cried because of that, not the pain as i thought while i was crying at first.
same goes with a g/f, b/f... you don't cry because of what she did.
you cry because of what could happen. the thought of losing the one you love.
life without love.
finding love again, after it took so long to find at this point in time.
i didn't cry because my dog died.
when i heard the news i immediately reacted with tears and no breathing as described before.
it's always the same.
we cry the same now, as we did as kids.
after slowing down, again i realized the truth behind my tears.
i would never rub her head again to make her ears flap consecutively on the side of her head.
no more trying to walk away, but having her exposed belly beg to be scratched be too much to pass up.
love too strong.
a bond worth years of comradely.
and now...
i'll have to save table scraps for max, without having to weigh out the leftovers to see who gets more that night.
no more anxiously spending my own money on bones--
only for her to bury beneath the rocks after 30 seconds of marinating it with saliva.
she'll never learn to lift her far side paw when i tap her head with a paw pick to drop her to her shoulder wrestling in the back yard.
she'll never teach max the art of taking down a dog from her back.
or how to be a sweetheart to the neighbors.
and how to properly piss off the mail lady while still creating friendship and love.
no more yelling as she breaks away from my relaxed grip to chase the car down the street.
nipping at the tires like she were herding sheep.
not around anymore to sneak her into the kitchen for breakfast after mom left for work.
not in her usual spot up against the sliding door by the deck
waiting to see our backs rest against the backs of the chairs as a sign of a satisfied appetite.
a sign for her turn to come at last.
i'll whistle her call for the next umpteen years, but she won't run home dripping from the belly down, after a dip in the most shallow end of the pond. always bashful of the darker parts of the pond.
chased a goose perhaps.
she never went in without incentives.
or a push.
somehow she knew, a dogs' seventh sense, that i would be leaving soon, and she fought out from two paws in the grave to spend a few more weeks with me before i left...
only one more month and i would have seen her again.
to whistle her call and walk to her because she was too stubborn to walk to me.
to move her to the other couch cushion so that i'd have a better angle to rub her ears.
to think that she lived so long.
so happy.
peach-dog had the life. no worries.
just sleeping until the next exciting moment came her way
when i would yell at her to stop, her eyes always saved her; pleading that she was only trying to have fun.
i'd turn to a smile when she returned with a kiss.
i never could stay angry at her. too cute.
peaches mut, you dumb dog, come here you bad girl, why are you so bad, huh, why, ahh, you're so cute, love you mut.
Effin Tripod :)
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
...so this is how it went down...(two)
...
As I admitted before, I had such a third grade crush on this girl from before I'd even met her. But after my first visit to Rancho Cuccamongo, I was more certain of someday making the NFL than I was certain that I had a chance with Reanna. I mean, the whole time I was there she was out and about, always busy-going to parties, swimming at friends, hanging out with her boyfriend. I mean, he went to school for singing, and I would get booed out of a room with my best friends when I would try to serenade somebody. I didn't even seem to impress her or hardly catch her interest with good looks; I didn't stand a chance to give her a pleasing glimpse of my physique because she grew up in Southern Cal where chizzled six packs are seen as casually as In-n-Outs just off the PCH, and those six packs come with a huge side of California Tan. -I don't know if you know this, but God did not bless me with much skin pigment. I tried to get tan, and at times I honestly was proud of my color progress-but when I'd ask for approval from anybody in their house, everyone, including Reanna, laughed at me. They said I was the hottest shade of pink they'd ever seen. They laughed at my struggle with the sun. Long hopeless story summed up short-- to her, I was simply Ryan's friend from school. And she had zero thoughts of any form of romance with me. But with morale as low as it was, when I boarded the plane with Ryan to journey to my part of the country, the heart of America, Ohio, I opened my journal and wrote of all the memorable moments with her. I confessed my love for her.
Straight from my own words the day I left CA, I wrote in my journal, "Although there were tons of fun stuff we did in Cali, I fly away with my mind chewing on one memory. And any one that knows me, truly knows me, could easily guess what this mind boggler is about... A girl." I continued on to describe the complexity of my situation. Falling in love with your best friend's sister could be the most special gift ever, but it is a very delicate situation, nonetheless.
The intensity doubled in strength as the weeks prior to my summer visit to Ryan's house became memories. It was happening. I was going back, and this time I knew something special was going to happen. I did some pre-gaming with her during the months between visits-I'd occasionally ask Ryan for the phone when he was done talking to her, we myspaced here and there, no big deal. Just planting seeds. :) Then shit got real about two weeks before my flight. One casual visit to her myspace site and I notice her status had changed to "Swinger." Immediately I called my inside source for varification-my NBF, New Best Friend, Alyx Van Stockum, pretty much the most legit girl I know!- and she was ecstatic to share the hopeful news with me, Reanna was in fact single again. The excitement was twirling throughout my spirit. I couldn't wait to get there.
...The first few days were pretty sweet, climbed up to a watering hole/springs river, wake boarding and tubing, it was all fun and everything, but the entire time I kept thinking about Reanna, and wondering why our flirty competitiveness hadn't progressed to intimacy or romance. I wasn't sure she was interested much at all. In fact I almost decided to hold off on the whole 'summer lovin' idea in general. Later that night, when the house was sleeping, I bumped into one of her best friend's, Danyelle (her other bf being Coral :]) down by the fridge. We sat and talked for a while; she was a sweet girl, and hours later she became my best friend ever! She explained how when her and Reanna were gossiping over "the boys" (Derek and me) that Reanna snapped at her when she claimed me, "Mike is mine!" These words sent chills down my back, I jolted with excitement, squeezed my pillow, buried my face in the pit of the couch and wanted to scream. I couldn't believe it! :) I felt like I'd been playing Alfalfa's "love flower" game forever: she loves me, she loves me not! She loves me, she loves me Not!...and finally, SHE LOVES ME! haha
The next night, Reanna gave it another solid effort to beat me in anything, she chose to lose in pool again, and I teased her for a minute, and asked her if what Danyelle said was true. When she smirked a yes, I stood up from my shot and exhaled all the carbon dioxide in my body and said with a smile, "Good. I like you too." The game continued in step with the rest of our games-I knocked down the hard shots, she trailed 3 or 4 balls a game. But this game was different, instead of talking trash, I let her know everything that was on my conscience: my hope previously squashed by her happiness without me, my new found hope, my longing crush, and so on. It was fantastic. We were on the same sheet of music. lol Afterwards, we each pulled our friends aside and shared the greatest news ever, "she likes me too!:)" haha... and then it became time to tell Ryan...
The first day on the cruise was blessed with amazing weather and great times with everyone. But too much time with Ryan over my back and on my conscience I felt, so later that night we had a man to man, heart to heart, where I proudly admitted that I was crazy about his sister. He layed down the big brother protection laws, and I complied immediately knowing that I'd never do anything to hurt her, and then I layed down the 'give us some space, relax, I'm serious about this one' praise. It couldn't have gone smoother. I respected him, he respected me, and ended with a sincere hug that lasted a solid two minutes, with whispers of last hopes and dreams of how great life was going to be together, literally almost family. I wouldn't let myself openly cry, but even pride falls short in strength to true tears of happiness. I told him that I loved him, and thanked him for his trust, and everything he'd done for my character development. He said he wouldn't want his baby sister with any other guy. ...after bylaying-not bystanding, he was too full from the all you can eat pizza! lol- for so long, Derek couldn't resist the aroma of love, so joined in on the hug. lol I left to go meet my anxiously waiting sweetheart, eager to hear how the talk went. I sort of rehearsed my main points with her for hours before talking with Ryan. lol I took her up to my room to share the story...
She couldn't believe how well it went. Up the elevator ride she was amazed and excited that her big brother was happy for her, for us. When we got to my room and I was so excited; I had more than just those words to give her--hey take it easy now! relax, no dirty stories on this blog! lol her brother can read this! haha ;) jk Ryan. anyway-- I didn't know what to open up with. How do you open up a talk so meaningful without stumbling over your words trying to make them just right, or at least sound like english lol. I decided to read to her. I simply read from my heart's memory book: the entry from the day when I first left So Cal, and began, so long ago, crushing on her. It was amazing. It always felt so right hugging her. Holding her body completely against mine so that destiny's pull couldn't possibly bring us any closer, it'd brought me there, and I won't ever let go.
The cruise was amazing..all you can eat pizza-Derek's favorite part-, comedy shows, kereoke, so of course I went on stage for some country rockin' with Derek--the fans loved us-finally some appreciation for my musical talents ha. Especially the 'Soul Sista's from Vegas' haha-- staying up late, the photography night-p.s. as people passed, their heads turned towards us smiling into the camera, in complete happiness. Somebody even asked me while I was reviewing the pic the next morning if they could buy the picture off me, because we looked so great together! lol -Fresh pink shirt and tie, to compliment her sexy, silk black dress, and she topped it off with the cutest pink bow in her hair she had bought just for that night. I am the luckiest man alive, I promise.- the hot tubs, La Bufadora, drinking margaritas, I drank the water and immediately lost my appetite and had to give my authentic Mexican burritos to the human disposal, Ryan. lol It was such an amazing time, I'll never forget and I'll never stop thanking God for the magic that happened there. :)
--This crazy love story only gets more intense as we had to leave each other for the rest of the summer, before meeting up again on R-Day minus one, 6-29-08 <3; for an 8 week cadet basic training session, known as Beast Barracks which only leads into one of the most demanding college experiences in the world, West Point. Luckily I have the greatest social support I could pray for: Ryan, Derek, Raff especially. My other boys- I love you all. But the person who inspires me most, who helped save me from eating away at myself, who raised my spirit back to life and now flies above cloud nine-thank you Reanna. I Love you..
...(three)...
As I admitted before, I had such a third grade crush on this girl from before I'd even met her. But after my first visit to Rancho Cuccamongo, I was more certain of someday making the NFL than I was certain that I had a chance with Reanna. I mean, the whole time I was there she was out and about, always busy-going to parties, swimming at friends, hanging out with her boyfriend. I mean, he went to school for singing, and I would get booed out of a room with my best friends when I would try to serenade somebody. I didn't even seem to impress her or hardly catch her interest with good looks; I didn't stand a chance to give her a pleasing glimpse of my physique because she grew up in Southern Cal where chizzled six packs are seen as casually as In-n-Outs just off the PCH, and those six packs come with a huge side of California Tan. -I don't know if you know this, but God did not bless me with much skin pigment. I tried to get tan, and at times I honestly was proud of my color progress-but when I'd ask for approval from anybody in their house, everyone, including Reanna, laughed at me. They said I was the hottest shade of pink they'd ever seen. They laughed at my struggle with the sun. Long hopeless story summed up short-- to her, I was simply Ryan's friend from school. And she had zero thoughts of any form of romance with me. But with morale as low as it was, when I boarded the plane with Ryan to journey to my part of the country, the heart of America, Ohio, I opened my journal and wrote of all the memorable moments with her. I confessed my love for her.
Straight from my own words the day I left CA, I wrote in my journal, "Although there were tons of fun stuff we did in Cali, I fly away with my mind chewing on one memory. And any one that knows me, truly knows me, could easily guess what this mind boggler is about... A girl." I continued on to describe the complexity of my situation. Falling in love with your best friend's sister could be the most special gift ever, but it is a very delicate situation, nonetheless.
The intensity doubled in strength as the weeks prior to my summer visit to Ryan's house became memories. It was happening. I was going back, and this time I knew something special was going to happen. I did some pre-gaming with her during the months between visits-I'd occasionally ask Ryan for the phone when he was done talking to her, we myspaced here and there, no big deal. Just planting seeds. :) Then shit got real about two weeks before my flight. One casual visit to her myspace site and I notice her status had changed to "Swinger." Immediately I called my inside source for varification-my NBF, New Best Friend, Alyx Van Stockum, pretty much the most legit girl I know!- and she was ecstatic to share the hopeful news with me, Reanna was in fact single again. The excitement was twirling throughout my spirit. I couldn't wait to get there.
...The first few days were pretty sweet, climbed up to a watering hole/springs river, wake boarding and tubing, it was all fun and everything, but the entire time I kept thinking about Reanna, and wondering why our flirty competitiveness hadn't progressed to intimacy or romance. I wasn't sure she was interested much at all. In fact I almost decided to hold off on the whole 'summer lovin' idea in general. Later that night, when the house was sleeping, I bumped into one of her best friend's, Danyelle (her other bf being Coral :]) down by the fridge. We sat and talked for a while; she was a sweet girl, and hours later she became my best friend ever! She explained how when her and Reanna were gossiping over "the boys" (Derek and me) that Reanna snapped at her when she claimed me, "Mike is mine!" These words sent chills down my back, I jolted with excitement, squeezed my pillow, buried my face in the pit of the couch and wanted to scream. I couldn't believe it! :) I felt like I'd been playing Alfalfa's "love flower" game forever: she loves me, she loves me not! She loves me, she loves me Not!...and finally, SHE LOVES ME! haha
The next night, Reanna gave it another solid effort to beat me in anything, she chose to lose in pool again, and I teased her for a minute, and asked her if what Danyelle said was true. When she smirked a yes, I stood up from my shot and exhaled all the carbon dioxide in my body and said with a smile, "Good. I like you too." The game continued in step with the rest of our games-I knocked down the hard shots, she trailed 3 or 4 balls a game. But this game was different, instead of talking trash, I let her know everything that was on my conscience: my hope previously squashed by her happiness without me, my new found hope, my longing crush, and so on. It was fantastic. We were on the same sheet of music. lol Afterwards, we each pulled our friends aside and shared the greatest news ever, "she likes me too!:)" haha... and then it became time to tell Ryan...
The first day on the cruise was blessed with amazing weather and great times with everyone. But too much time with Ryan over my back and on my conscience I felt, so later that night we had a man to man, heart to heart, where I proudly admitted that I was crazy about his sister. He layed down the big brother protection laws, and I complied immediately knowing that I'd never do anything to hurt her, and then I layed down the 'give us some space, relax, I'm serious about this one' praise. It couldn't have gone smoother. I respected him, he respected me, and ended with a sincere hug that lasted a solid two minutes, with whispers of last hopes and dreams of how great life was going to be together, literally almost family. I wouldn't let myself openly cry, but even pride falls short in strength to true tears of happiness. I told him that I loved him, and thanked him for his trust, and everything he'd done for my character development. He said he wouldn't want his baby sister with any other guy. ...after bylaying-not bystanding, he was too full from the all you can eat pizza! lol- for so long, Derek couldn't resist the aroma of love, so joined in on the hug. lol I left to go meet my anxiously waiting sweetheart, eager to hear how the talk went. I sort of rehearsed my main points with her for hours before talking with Ryan. lol I took her up to my room to share the story...
She couldn't believe how well it went. Up the elevator ride she was amazed and excited that her big brother was happy for her, for us. When we got to my room and I was so excited; I had more than just those words to give her--hey take it easy now! relax, no dirty stories on this blog! lol her brother can read this! haha ;) jk Ryan. anyway-- I didn't know what to open up with. How do you open up a talk so meaningful without stumbling over your words trying to make them just right, or at least sound like english lol. I decided to read to her. I simply read from my heart's memory book: the entry from the day when I first left So Cal, and began, so long ago, crushing on her. It was amazing. It always felt so right hugging her. Holding her body completely against mine so that destiny's pull couldn't possibly bring us any closer, it'd brought me there, and I won't ever let go.
The cruise was amazing..all you can eat pizza-Derek's favorite part-, comedy shows, kereoke, so of course I went on stage for some country rockin' with Derek--the fans loved us-finally some appreciation for my musical talents ha. Especially the 'Soul Sista's from Vegas' haha-- staying up late, the photography night-p.s. as people passed, their heads turned towards us smiling into the camera, in complete happiness. Somebody even asked me while I was reviewing the pic the next morning if they could buy the picture off me, because we looked so great together! lol -Fresh pink shirt and tie, to compliment her sexy, silk black dress, and she topped it off with the cutest pink bow in her hair she had bought just for that night. I am the luckiest man alive, I promise.- the hot tubs, La Bufadora, drinking margaritas, I drank the water and immediately lost my appetite and had to give my authentic Mexican burritos to the human disposal, Ryan. lol It was such an amazing time, I'll never forget and I'll never stop thanking God for the magic that happened there. :)
--This crazy love story only gets more intense as we had to leave each other for the rest of the summer, before meeting up again on R-Day minus one, 6-29-08 <3; for an 8 week cadet basic training session, known as Beast Barracks which only leads into one of the most demanding college experiences in the world, West Point. Luckily I have the greatest social support I could pray for: Ryan, Derek, Raff especially. My other boys- I love you all. But the person who inspires me most, who helped save me from eating away at myself, who raised my spirit back to life and now flies above cloud nine-thank you Reanna. I Love you..
...(three)...
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