Smile! :)

I turned off my lamp and stood in my boxers-not briefs ;) lol- in the middle of my room debating whether i should grab my flashlight and book and read myself to sleep, or write this blog about how my friend back home, in Ohio, Chelsea, made me smile and reminded me a lesson never to forget.
Pretty much the first thing i do when i walk into my room is flip up the lap top, open my top drawer and check for a text or missed call. It's lame, but i guess it's human nature. I mean who doesn't want a surprise "Hello, how are ya?" or "Whad up cuz!?" lol sometimes i get caught up in a monotony of the day, eat, classes, eat, classes, workout, eat, homework, sleep, and i feel passive, needing a spark from the outside world to set off an unexpected excitement and make me feel wanted. We all want to feel wanted, right?
anyways... so today, somewhere between class and chow, I returned to my room fully expecting to see only the time on my phone, yet subconsciously hoping for a "1 New Test Message" so i can flip it open, click 'View Now' and get a short moments rush wondering who it's from and what it's about... and today I got that rush! "New Voicemail" YAY! i debated between entering my password and letting the surprise be in decifering the voice itself, or visual tension follow by pleasure and go to my missed calls to see who my secret admirer could be.. i decided that I couldn't take the rush of a mystery voice, and checked my missed calls...Chelsea!?!?
Then i thought- oh wow, i haven't talked to her since Christmas break! :o- she left me the sweetest voicemail ever, provoking my best smile from the time she began with, "Miiiiike" to the finale, "...call me baackk! I miss you!" I thought about it most all the way through Study Barracks, waiting until I could lay on my bed with my legs rested against the wall, as to let the blood drain and relief the cramping from wrestling, but also to put my body in a complete state of relaxation, effortless to be alive. We talked for a little while, ending during the juiciest part-procrastinating h/w can only go for so long, i recommended she get going on it. lol- but the time we were talking was as effortless as laying in bed fully supported by the comfort of the mattress.
I applauded her as i told her how she made my day. With such a simple phone call from a friend 450 miles away. So I end this by reminding you faithful readers- haha always wanted to say that. i suppose i should have held onto it for when i actually have faithful readers, this blog doesn't really create that for me. lol but i like it. :) and it felt cool to say. lol- i remind people not to forget those who have been removed from the day-to-day, and ask that you omit a Facebook session and take a few minutes to contact an old friend. You just might be the one to make somebody else smile, which can make all the difference in the world to some who need it.

Lights Out

Some nights i lay awake and contemplate
events of the day
mistakes that i've made
or if i'm ever going on another date.
Sometimes i want to cry
but the dry heaving and the feeling
of bleeding on the inside
aren't heeling to the thoughts of my suicide.
i'm squealing internally.
The audio is mute
i won't budge
i'll hold it eternally.
The world just can't see
the real me.
It could be that i don't show
i don't know
But, i know that i'm no homo.
Confusion and frustration
they fuck up my imagination.
My thoughts are so cloudy.
My Jiminy Cricket has gone rowdy.
i need to relax, let loose of my grip
and shake this frown, you know, just clown around
or have a night out, about town.
On the prowl
and bring home what i've found.
No. Stop sleeping around.
i don't want this.
i'm so sick of this same shit.
A fucking pussy could forget her and get over it.
Lights Out.