Jinxed

Between Beer Pong games at one of my best friend's house, Derek Stanley, I cannot delay this blog any longer. Plebe year at the Point is almost complete: Grad week is all that remains, which for me begins an intense three week course in DIRT (physical geography), and then we're recognized as Private First Class Cadets until our completion of Cadet Field Training at Camp Buckner where we will don the Gold Brass as Corporals. Such Excitement. Crazy how just the other day, I swear I was anxiously awaiting R-day for CCBT to begin my unforgettable experience at USMAPS, and here I sit awaiting to be pinned that one shiny little bar that carries an all powerful authority.

But as the night continues, my plan to drink away reality and enter a mental sublime goes on. I Lose track of time, and all that pertains to the world as I know it. No hallucinogens tonight though. Nonetheless, an "AUM" state, I hope for. Though I've reflected enough on life thus far to have a few things figured out, I've reached nothing close to a conclusion of how I really feel. My purpose, my ambition, and the only thing I've ever been passionate about has betrayed me once more.

Love can be an evil thing.

I don't get it. It is our reason to live. Compassion with a lover. Camaraderie with friends. This is what we live for. So, Why would Cupid shoot his arrow through my heart and into Hers knowing that She could not return my feelings to me. Did he know that his glorious spell would eventually fade and She would soon aspire for something more--Let me clarify "more." More: carefree, unrestricted, conscienceless, free-spirited, wild and crazy promiscuous nights, balancing one text from Marcel (not to be confused with FRIENDS character Ross' pet monkey), and another from Marcus. Gaming the two of them depending on who's available at the moment. Exciting atmosphere. Meaningless with all of them, but all that M&M is such good chocolate. She loves it. Right now is all that matters. The night. The time.

I curse this curse that Cupid has injected into my system. Why not me? Why can't this spell be countered so that I can also have "more?" I fantasize, and to be honest, remember times of those notorious one night stands: her boyfriend irrelevant, the time unknown, the attraction electrifying. she Sneaked through the window and grabbed me, stripped down to bare flesh before I could even mention her dude's name. Reality erroneous, Erection reality. Sure the fantasy is fulfilled and the moment is complete, but when the bacon and eggs and orange juice are digested the next morning with guilt and embarrassment of virtue, the moment when she gasped her last breath of pleasure seems minuscule in the scheme of life. I see now why that cannot be my story. That is not who I am. Cupid's misguided missile of love has stricken my heart and filled my soul long ago and I have been and will forever be a Hopeful-Romantic lost in this wild twenty-first century. Waiting. For Her.

Christ and Love

Church has been an on and off thing for the better half of my life, but about a year ago I began to take personal responsibility for my faith. That is to say, I made a conscious decision, and a consistent effort to give personal time to Christ. I had always kind of, sort of prayed: hoping for a girl to think I was cute, or wishing for good luck on a test or in a game, or my personal favorite was the before dinner grace--Jessie would always ask, "are we doing the short one or the long one?" haha. We usually opted for the short one. Every one knows it: "God is great! God is Good! Let us thank him for this food, Amen." But a new light shined brightly on my idea of praying in my head about a year ago. Ryan Johnson showed me how to live with Jesus.

He described Christianity as a personal relationship with Christ. Praying to God, and talking to Jesus can be as casual as, "God, I'm scared," or "Hey God, Mike again. Listen, I know you're busy with much more serious things in the world than my puppy love problems, but I need to get this off my chest..." And the thing is, it doesn't matter whether I whisper the words under my breath when I'm about to fall asleep, or if I'm in church on Sunday. God is there to listen whenever you're ready to let go. Now, I would advise if you were to do the first, start to talk to him before your first yawn because after that your eye lids just get heavier and heavier; and although I've done it many times, I think it's rude to fall asleep on God. --Don't judge me, I know I'm not the only one who's nodded off on God! ha. ..

One specific time I was influenced by another Christian, and introduced to different level of prayer was at an unexpected time last year. Kristina Harris and I were talking in a van on our way to this Greek Festival, with Ryan and the rest of our little Greek Club, OPAH! haha, and we passed a car crash. Once I returned to my seat after reaching back to see the shattered glass sprinkled all over the concrete, I looked over at her: her hands were folded and her head was bowed; her eyes, closed. I gave her a minute. When she looked up, I asked her what she was just doing, and she answered, "I was praying, Michael." I couldn't believe it. Was it that easy? Did that make a difference? I will never know and neither will she, but I believe that it did, and I pray that more people in the world will pray for others like she did. I try to pray for others now, as well.

This year I've experienced several churches on post, trying to figure out which service reaches me and which pastor inspires me, and I think I found a good fit. The energy at the Post Chapel during the Gospel Service is uplifting. Beautiful singing, a happy and involved community, and our pastor, MAJ Tulloss, really knows how to preach. Last Sunday, given the recent holiday, he preached about love. And as any of my friends would attest to, love is constant presence in my life that keeps my heart abeat. For the 45 minutes he talked about love, I didn't have to worry about keeping tradition of nodding off and jolting awake causing a scene because I was alert and attached to every message. Love is an action word. Show me that you love me, don't tell me. He said it so much, I couldn't help but visualize Cuba Gooding Jr. preaching the word of God and shouting, "Show me the love!!"ha. Pastor Tulloss was on point every time. Show your love for somebody. For do not actions speak louder than words? I automatically connected his sermon to my relationship with Reanna. I tell her that I love her, but I need to show her I love her. --I currently balance my lap top on my left thigh and type crossed-bodied to expose my right side for her dreaming (snoring) head. :) She's so cute.

Pray. I pray you will pray. For strength when times are hard, not for life to lighten up. For words when a friend needs them, not for his or her speedy recovery. For guidance when the road seems unclear, not for a decision to be made for you. Praying is just opening up and letting Jesus into your life. Let him show you that he loves you; and show him that you love him by being you.

Love is an action word.

Love.


I know there are many others who have inspired me to be a better person and a better Christain: you know who you are. Thank you! Ryan, Allison, Liz, Coach Cowgill, Dave and Cheryl, Mike Hutchinson, Orion Ross, Zoar, Jim Rafferty, Zack Leonard, Jackie, Foster, Derek, Travis, Mom and Dad, and Reanna. Love you all. God Bless. :)